Drowning

“It felt like drowning,” Jessie started.

“How so?” Morgan asked, leaning back into his chair.

“Like that kind of love that doesn’t get returned,” she clarified. “ You think that when you care about someone more than anybody or anything else in the world, then they’ll just automatically care about you just as much. That you’re somehow meant for one another. Destined to be with one another forever and ever. This is the swimming part.”

“It’s like swimming because you’re trying to keep the relationship afloat?”

“Precisely. And you push yourself to keep peddling, but sooner or later, no amount of peddling will ever be enough to keep your head above the water. It doesn’t matter what you do nor how much you give them. In the end, if they don’t feel the same as you do of them, you’ll still drown in that sea of unrequited love. Do you get what I mean?”

Morgan smiled. “I do. It’s like that moment when the swimming is about to overtake you, but there’s no land on the horizon. So you swim on, hoping that if you keep swimming, you’ll eventually see land. But you can’t because there’s no swim left in you, and so you tread water, hoping for a miracle.”

Jessie looked up at Morgan. “I’m sorry. This is all probably a load of crap to you.”

“Not at all,” Morgan replied. “I’m here to listen. Go on.”

Assured by Morgan’s reply, Jessie continued. “When your legs start cramping and your arms start to become soar, you start to sink. And so you stop treading water because you realize all the peddling and treading is futile. You’ll never reach land, and nobody will ever come to rescue you. It was all so tiring. The late nights waiting up. The messages that never got replied to. The constant worrying. Sharing a life with someone who cared more about others. I was a coward. For me, it was just easier to let myself drown.”

Morgan furrowed his brows. “And that’s how you ended up here.”

Jessie nodded. “I hesitated on the first pill. But I had some courage left in me after thinking of a world without–” Jessie took in a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead?”

“Will my absence make a difference? Will anyone miss me? Was it all worth it?” Jessie asked, eyes tearing up.

Morgan forced a smile. “Knowing all that won’t be of any use to you now.” He stood up and with a finger motioned for Jessie to follow him, “Come on. It’s time to leave.”

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