I woke up the other morning and found this blue stain on my bed covers. ‘What’s this? Where’d this come from?’ I didn’t have a clue. I looked down at my kecks and found the same stain on the bit covering my bum. ‘Shit! It came from me.’ I thought maybe I’d shit myself but I gave it a sniff an it wasn’t that, it smelt quite nice, plus it was blue. I couldn’t figure out what it could be. I tried to Google it but I couldn’t find an answer. It was wracking my brain. I kept thinking about octopuses. They squirt out ink. This stain looks a bit like ink. It kinda crossed my mind that maybe I was a bit octopus. I knew I wasn’t an octopus but maybe I had octopus in my blood. A distant relative had sex with one maybe, could’ve been some sort of science experiment back in the day that was kept hush hush. Sounds mad but families can have dark secrets like that can’t they. So I looked up my family tree. Needed to be thorough so I paid for the full whack, top tear tariff thing. Traced my roots right back to Africa. Cost me £476.99 all in all. Found out fuck all. Few people who looked like octopuses, big octopus heads, few fishy lookin faces but no octopuses. Then I got thinking. What if it’s some sort of puberty thing? Girls get periods so maybe boys do to…. but it’s blue. I know I’m turning 28 but maybe I’m a late bloomer. Come to think of it, I’ve heard people out and about saying ‘I just got me first ink’ or ‘you had your first ink yet?’ I always presumed it was something to do with tattoos but I guess this makes more sense. So there we go. Glad I figured that out. But if you haven’t had your fist ink yet, don’t worry about it, some people just ink a bit later in life. I was gonna write a letter and pass it out around work to let people know who haven’t inked yet but my pen wouldn’t work.