At the end of my second year in college I noticed that there is something wrong with me. I felt something inside my mouth on the left side. Some sort of lump. The immediate conclusion I could come to was “Oh no! Do I have cancer? I hope it is not cancer”. I was afraid to confront it so I let it grow. I was at the stage where confronting the fact that I was sick would make my nightmares come to life.
We’re not afraid of the ghosts in the darkness because they’ll harm us, we’re just afraid we’ll see them.
The lump started growing and in a span of a couple months it was evident that there was something wrong with me. I had to get it checked out. And then started the doctor appointments. None of them would say you’re fine for sure. They would all suggest tests that took weeks to get done. Finally met a doctor who suggested let’s get it out first and then do the tests. Seemed like the best option but good doctors have waiting lists. I had to wait for a month just to get his appointment for an operation.
Finally it was the operation day. It was scheduled at 11 am, but it took place at 6pm due to some emergency case brought in for my doctor. During that period, the 7 hour long wait, I sat in the common room and saw life in a hospital. The nurses, the people coming in to get checked, the people admitted, the ones who came to visit them, every little thing. It was all so morbid. Where is Munna bhai when you need him! Then finally, it was ‘the’ moment, I enter the operation theater and the doctor asked me how I was feeling, and I told him I was anxious. “Nothing to be anxious about”, he said. I felt a bit relieved, but before I could think of anything else I was given anesthesia and I could feel the doctors working with something really hot where the lump was. They were actually using a laser to cut the thing. Operation done, I’m asleep and my parents ask my doctor if I was okay and he says, “I can only say after I see the reports next week”. Now knowing if you’re going to live liberates you. Okay yes, I’m fine, back to normal life. Okay no, now I have to let go of everything and complete my bucket list and distance myself from people. Live each day as my last. No worry in the world. I don’t want to live my last days preparing for some exam or attending classes. Or I don’t want to cut contact with everyone if I’m living. Which one? Just tell me already.
A week with that haunting question constantly in my mind, it was finally the day when my reports were coming out. I couldn’t sleep the night before. The next day, I woke up, and we went to the hospital. The reception guy handed over my reports to me. The moment of truth. Finally I’ll know. I was in two minds here, I was wondering if I should go ahead and open it, or let the doctor open it. I take a deep breath and open it, only to see “no sign of malignancy” written on it. This was the happiest I had ever felt after a long time. My mom smiled at me, she was so happy. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to make sure if the reports were actually true, so I went to the doctor and asked if I had nothing wrong with me for real. And he said, “ You chew the inner skin of your mouth instinctively, that lump was formed by biting throughout these years. Don’t do it”. I was gonna live. And then I saw it, every moment I have postponed my joy, every doubt in my ability to live the life I wanted for myself. It had to change. It was going to change.
When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours.
Years have passed by since that day and now I am doing all those things I always wanted to do but didn’t because of inaction. The only thing that holds people back is inaction. If someone does something that takes him a step forward to living the life he’s always wanted, even if it is a small thing, it has a snowball effect. I started living every moment as if it was my last.
Are you happy with the way your life is, and if not what would you do to change it?