Everyone knows what deja vu is. It’s the feeling of being somewhere and experiencing certain events before even though you haven’t had these experiences. I get that feeling a lot. But it’s not typical deja vu anymore. It’s almost like I’m experiencing two timelines simultaneously. Only, in the other timeline things are slightly altered. Some minor differences vary from what I’m really experiencing. At first I only thought it was a figment of my imagination. Just typical deja vu. Then I started to have the same deja vu moments over and over again. It all started happening after I fell out of a tree as a kid.
It’s hard to explain, but it’s almost as if my brain was jump started in a way. As if the concussion was interfering with my “hard wiring”. Every time I have the same deja vu again I can remember every time I’ve had that same deja vu and it feels like I never progressed past that moment. It feels almost as if I HAVE experienced these moments over and over again as if I had traveled back in time and been through these moments again.
These moments make me feel like I don’t know what is real. What WAS real or if I’m even passing through time normally. It all feels so layered. Time after time of the same moments overlap themselves in my memory. It is such a surreal feeling that it churns my stomach. I’ve been having this vivid deja vu moments for years now and every time I have them, it feels the exact same as the last time. I always passed it off as just well, no one knows that much about deja vu. As it continued to happen though, my paranoia grew. I wondered if these were past lifetimes or parallel worlds. It always feels like something out of a science fiction movie. It started to distort my view on reality.
A few years back I was in a severe car crash. Then it started getting worse. I started to realize I wasn’t damaging my brain. I was damaging a program. That’s all I was. A program. I don’t know who was running this program or what their goal was.
At this point I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. What experience was my actual experience or what is faked and changed from the original. I still don’t know what’s going on when I have these moments. But I am convinced of one thing. They’re all my memories. I DID actually live through the same moments over and over again. The only thing is, I’m convinced I am not alive. I’m not a breathing sentient being.
I am convinced that I am a simulation being run time and time again by someone waiting for the perfect out come. I know one fact for sure. There is a prime simulation but as of right now, the prime simulation is muddled and clouded as all the other simulations leak in to distort it. Everything feels as one. I don’t know if these moments will ever end. I don’t know when the deja vu will stop. All I know is I want them to shut off the simulation.
I’m ready to die. I’m just so ready for this to all be over. As I write this out I’m having deja vu of writing this before. Only the words I write in the other simulation are slightly different. I hate living like this not knowing if I’m real or not. Every moment of deja vu makes me question everything further. I hope that my creators are reading this. I hope they know that I know I’m not real. Nothing is. It’s all a program they made. I don’t know if I’m their prime subject. I just want it to end. I don’t want to go on any further like this. I just need it to stop.