“He’s into me”, she thought. “All of the signals are there. The flaring of the nostrils. The over the top laughter at all the things I say that are funny but not that funny. This guy is really making an effort. He is really trying. He even sprung for guacamole on the first date. Let’s face it though this is a Tinder date. There is a certain expectation. Who am I kidding? If we like each other this is going to end up in bed. On the first night. It’s 2018, I just need to get over it.”
“So what kind of law do you practice?” This was the sort of standard question one resorts to on a first date.
“Family law.” He said while dipping his chip in the guac.
“Anything in particular?”
“Divorce.” he said as if he were delivering his credit card number in a public place. His tone was hushed.
“Oh, so a single guy who is a divorce attorney, that must be interesting work.” she raised my eyebrow to indicate he should elaborate.
“Yeah, it’s not something I was really trying to do it just kind of happened. I’m good at arbitration and mediation so it just worked out that way. I actually find it rewarding when a good divorce settlement is reached.”
“I bet you see some crazy stuff.” she raised her other eyebrow.
“Yeah, I once arbitrated a divorce where the husband had a prothetic testical, because he had lost one to cancer. The ex actually wanted the prosthetic returned to her, she claimed that she paid for it.” He chuckled.
“Really! What happened.” she leaned into the conversation.
“He kept it, we decided that if she got the testicle back he got her boobs back.” she couldn’t help herself. She put my napkin over her mouth to avoid spitting up tea.
Dinner fajitas for two came, and they ate too much meat.
“Man, I am stuffed”, she said.
“Yeah, that was good.” He actually petted his belly like he was proud of it. They were really enjoying each others company. The conversation and drinking flowed.
“Wanna go back to my place for a drink?” she offered. A slight smile broke across his face.
“Yeah, that sounds great. What are you offering?” He leaned into the table.
“Coffee, brandy, or some ten year old scotch.” she ticked off the options on her fingers. “Ok, full disclosure it’s really seven year old scotch.”
“Scotch would be great.” He said with some authentic enthusiasm. One Uber ride later they were in her apartment, and sitting in the living room with scotch tumblers in hand. She sat next to him on the couch. They set down their glasses and kissed. It was intense for a first kiss. There was no doubt where this was going to end up.
“Excuse me”, she said. “I just need to change into something more comfortable.” Five minutes later she was back in the room in a black negligee with black stockings. He was clearly turned on. He had taken off his blazer and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt, just enough to see the definition in the nape of the neck.
“Wow”, was the only thing he said.
“You like.” She dropped the pronoun.
“Yeah, me like.” The pronoun deficiency continued.
She made her way back to the couch and straddled him. She took his face in her hands and started to kiss him. He kissed back.
“There’s just one thing before we go any further”, he said.
“Don’t worry I have condoms”, she said.
“No actually, I have something for you to sign.”
“It’s just a boilerplate consensual sex contract.” He said as if he were in a arbitration right across the table from her. She dismounted him and looked at the coffee table. Where there were two pieces of paper and a pen. A blue pen to be specific.
“Are you fucking serious?” Her tone was not one of a woman that was turned on by paperwork.
“There’s no reason to be upset by it, it’s just a contract showing we both agree to this. I sign it too, and there are two copies so you get one as well.”
“Why do we need this? I thought you were into me?”
“I totally am!”, he said. “But these days you can’t be too safe.”
She wrapped her thin black negligee around her body as if it were concealing anything. “I’m not comfortable with this, this is just supposed to be fun.
“Ok, well”, there was a long pause. “Dinner was great I really enjoyed it.” He got up, kissed her on the head like she was a kid and he was dad leaving for work and was out the door with his unsigned contract before she could say anything else.
She sat on the couch. Cold, confused, and alone.